Why we decided on adoption
Ever since we had been together we had always discussed our desire to adopt, even if we had our own biological children. We got married in our early twenties and decided to start trying for a family pretty much straight away… but six months later there was no sign of success and every month felt like another failure.
Fertility investigations commenced following a visit to our GP. After a series of tests our GP told us that our chances of conceiving were a million to one and that we should just get on with our lives and be happy that we had each other. Utter disbelief and denial followed. We were in shock, our hopes and dreams just disappeared. We were lost with no idea of which direction to go next.
We didn’t know very much about infertility treatment and had no idea as to what was available. The internet opened our eyes and a return visit to our doctors’ surgery –a different GP this time though – started the rollercoaster that is IVF.
The flame of hope had been reignited.
Ten years, nine failed ICSI cycles and an abnormal cervical smear later made us stop and think. Finally our eyes opened to the risks we were taking physically and emotionally. We were tired of failing, tired of waiting for our family. We sat down and talked and realised that we had both been thinking the same thing for some time but had been afraid to be the one to say it: ‘I want to stop IVF’.
It felt like a weight had been lifted and I recall both of us smiling like Cheshire cats for days afterwards. Less than a week later we both voiced the same renewed desire to adopt.
Joseph took the reins and researched adoption on the internet and there they were again (we had requested adoption information about four years earlier and then decided we were not ready) The Catholic Children’s Society!
We placed the call to The Catholic Children’s Society on the auspicious 28th February 2008, and were interviewed by Ian on 21st March 2008. Within the week we received confirmation via telephone and letter that we had been accepted on the Summer Group Programme starting in May.
We were elated and excited at the prospect of finally moving on and the reality of becoming parents in this novel and rewarding way. Neither of us had ever spoken about the IVF to many people but our excitement about adoption was so apparent and so real that we couldn’t help but share it – well with anyone who would listen.
May 2008
On the 6th May, only three days before the start of the course, our social worker arrived on his first visit armed with a Homestudy Workbook and concerns about our not so quiet dog.
The Homestudy Workbook, though daunting on first glance, was simply a tool to illicit some of the information required by the Society, the Adoption Panel and the Local Authorities with children for placement. More worrying was the possibility that we would not be viewed favourably because of our dog.
Once the social worker had left I leapt onto the computer and searched the internet for advice on dog training. My sister had suggested contacting the ‘Dog Listener’ Jan Fennell who had vast experience of dealing with all sorts of dogs and once I found her contact details I called her, somewhat apprehensively. I spoke with her for more than half an hour and had renewed hope that we would be able to adopt and keep the dog, she had even had experience of working with social services in child placements and viewed a good dog as a confident and friend to many children. She opened my eyes to the fact that despite our dog heeling, sitting etc on command he firmly believed that he was the pack leader and felt it was his job to look after us – though never aggressively. She recommended I acquire her book from the library and with this I thanked her and said goodbye. I visited the library the very next day and with book in hand commenced the new training regime.
For each group session we had been asked to bring some food to add to a buffet for all of the future adopters to share. Overkill would be an understatement as there were only six of us and two social workers and enough food to feed a wedding party.
The first session covered ‘Changing Relationships’ including the reality of how adoption would impact on our day-to-day and long-term lives. As a group we uncovered many issues but none that we felt were insurmountable.
We left feeling exhausted and content that our true journey was beginning at last.
At our initial Interview our social worker, Ian, had advised us to gain more experience with children – as friends and relatives have none this would be a challenge. In response I contacted a friend of the family who runs a crèche and after explaining our situation asked if I could volunteer. She was very enthusiastic and before the second session I had already spent a day with twenty 3 and 4 year olds – exhausting but great fun.
I had also signed up for an ONC course on Managing Children’s Behaviour which also began in this week. The days were soon filling up and we hadn’t even started looking at the Homestudy Workbook yet.
Still May 2008
The second session was the very next week and covered Child Development. We were joined by another couple currently going through the adoption process for the third time with a view to adopting their fourth child. This couple further underlined our desire to adopt with tales of their experiences and the closeness of their family now.
The food situation was unchanging and if anything we had all brought a little more than last time, but it was needed as the information in this session was more demanding that the first. The effects of a disrupted childhood were staggering. The life that we accept as normal is so far removed from that of the ‘looked after’ child.
Though the session and course notes covered most issues I felt that I needed to gain a wider understanding of the effects of neglect/abuse and its effect of child development. Andy, another social worker had recommended a textbook which I found on Amazon and promptly purchased.
Still May – I know it was a very busy month...
Ian came out for our second home visit and was astounded at how calm the dog was. I was over the moon at his comment that he had ‘never seen such a calm dog’ – and this was only two weeks into training.
We gave Ian a tour of the house and garden and then sat down at the dining room table – with tea and cookies – to discuss the last session on Child Development and ourselves a bit more. I never really thought about it before but talking about yourself is a strange feeling - I guess because it’s quite unusual to go past the ‘what’s your name’ and ‘what do you do’ superficiality of most introductions. This was all about us and surprisingly we both found the process quite cathartic. Ian left us both feeling very positive about ourselves, the prospect of adoption and the whole process – invasive as it is.
June 2008
Group session three covering Loss and Communicating with Children was scheduled for the 7th June. This, out of all of the Summer Group Programme sessions was the one I was looking forward to least. I was worried about talking about my own losses laying my feelings bare and having mascara running down my cheeks – not a good look.
The session commenced quite tentatively, the group self conscious about what was expected of us and over aware of our own emotions and keeping them tightly in check. Our anxieties were misplaced. The social workers put us at ease straight away and only asked for group and individual input if we felt comfortable sharing our experiences.
I was enlightened and educated by the process of grief as experienced from the point of view of a child. I had always thought that my grief process following the death of my Dad had been somehow unhealthy and abnormal as it had taken me several years to cry about my loss. However the exercises and information we shared at this session taught me that I was experiencing the normal grief cycle of a child. This revelation will I hope, give me personal insights that I can utilise to help me empathise with the losses of our prospective children. We are still doing our homework for the Society, ensuring that we are reading to broaden our knowledge and fitting in the odd essay to demonstrate our understanding of some of the challenges that we may face from the adopted children or child.
We were able to share more of our feelings and life stories with Ian, our social worker, the following Monday at our third home visit. We have of course also had another home visit from Andy who helps keep us on track between sessions chasing our homework and generally bringing that all important continuity. Andy has also provided us with the details of a link couple who have already been through it all and successfully adopted. They are there for us to meet and talk with prior to Panel to tell us what it’s really like in practice. We haven’t met them yet but we have spoken with them and they sound lovely we shall see them early in April.
The home visits have gone really well so far. Ian has answered any queries we have had about the process, our progress and what is required of us throughout in order to gain approval from panel. But I must admit that the vacuum cleaner and duster are out very early on the day of a home visit – not that we are usually untidy, but it still feels a little like showing your house to a prospective buyer –House Doctor eat your heart out.
On the 14th June we got our first chance to be nurturing parents – our friends gave us some chicken eggs and an incubator with detailed instructions on what to do with them. I must admit that I was nervous: what if I did something wrong, was the humidity right, was I turning them in the correct fashion? Silly I know but I had six little potential lives relying on me. Session 6 was primarily about contact and its importance to adopted children, their families and you as adoptive parents. We found the case studies on this very helpful and it generated good discussion within the group as we all came with our own preconceptions about what we thought of contact. Views were challenged and initial thoughts and positions moved as we learned about the various types of contact and its potential implications.
The following Tuesday was the day I had been looking forward to and dreading at the same time: The Individual Interview. I took my husband’s car, purely because it had sat nav, so one less thing to think about. The previous few nights had seen me burning the midnight oil to complete my life graph and timeline but I am glad that I spent the time as it was a great insight into the positive and negative aspects of my life so far. My Mom and sister helped greatly with my early events where my memories were a little patchy which also gave us an opportunity to reminisce.
I turned up at the Catholic Children’s Society early by 30 minutes and had brought a book to read in such an event, but after signing in Ian was ready to see me so we started. I really don’t know what I was worried about, the preparation had paid off and the conversation just flowed. I had taken the precaution of wearing mascara to stop me from crying, panda eyes are not a good look so quite a deterrent I’m sure you’d agree, but though I felt the occasional twinge the session was not heavy enough to bring tears for which I was pleased. Two hours later and we were finished and I felt unburdened and ready for the next stage.
The evening brought new challenges as I attended my first cub scout meeting. Eight boys between 8 and 10 years old, was daunting but Jo, the cub leader, put me at my ease straight away and we started the evening’s activities by learning the points of the compass with a game outside. I was really pleased with the way the evening went and will definitely go again.
I went to crèche again the following Thursday morning. This combined with the Adoption Programme and the OCN course on Managing Children’s Behaviour was giving me a great insight into children’s motivations and needs, and I was thoroughly enjoying spending time in the company of children and learning new ways to communicate and interact with them.
We were making steady progress with the homestudy workbook and had started to buy stickers and other creative bits and pieces for our family album. The excitement and reality of it all was finally hitting us – all being well we were going to be a family.
The next Saturday saw the hardest Group Session so far: Caring for Abused Children. This module proved to be one of the most productive for group discussion and emotion. Abuse is such a wide and emotive subject with such overwhelming consequences and recurrent themes that to delve too deeply into the depths and details would take a lifetime – we were only able to brush the surface and look at the ways in which we as adoptive parents can help the children move forward.
This was a very tiring day, emotionally draining and full of new facts. We spoke about the ways in which we could help and methods we could use as a family on the journey home and felt that we could overcome anything together.
When Ian came to see us the following Tuesday we spoke in-depth about what we felt and thought about the previous group session. We were very realistic about the existence of abuse and its extreme nature in some cases. I think this is an important factor, as to enter into adoption with blinkers on can only lead to difficulties and lack of understanding – prepare for the worst and work hard for the best.
The month ended with my husband’s individual interview. He had spoken to his Mom a lot about his early life to ensure his chronology was correct and found the whole experience quite cathartic. I enjoyed reading his chart as despite being married for a long time now I learnt a little more about his life.
At the end of this second month we looked back and could not believe how much we had learnt so far and how even the thought of IVF had completely left our minds and hearts to be replaced by the anticipation of our new family, out there waiting for us already – a very strange feeling.
Maria and Joseph
July 2008
Time seems to have flown by as we are now in the final month of the Summer Group Programme training course. There are only three sessions
left before the real hard work of compiling the competency folder and getting the house ready before Home Checks and Health and Safety assessments.
Scary, but very exciting.
The 4th of July was spent not with fireworks and pizza, but with an examination of Diversity. Many of us have experienced similar workshops
to this in our education or employment, but it is always good to have a refresher and also to try to see the world from the point of view of the
adopted child. As was candidly pointed out many of the children may have been exposed to extreme prejudices in their birth families – either
directed at them due to neglect or oppressive behaviour within the family or due to the views expressed by those around them. This is another
illustration of the way in which the child’s brain may have been differently wired and so presents another area for education and habit changing.
Our social worker came to see us the following Tuesday. We discussed the last course date and also some in-depth assessment of our attitudes
to socially acceptable behaviour and the correction of unacceptable behaviour. This was a frank and very open conversation even though the material
discussed was hard to imagine, though from true case studies.
In less than two weeks we would be attending the course date about which most of us in the group had been worried and wary – Contact.
The thought of having to inform or even worse, meet the birth parents of the child we adopt conjured up a plethora of emotions from fear and
loathing all the way through to anger and abandonment. Whenever we had thought about adoption in the past both my husband and I were put off
by the issue of contact and now this was to be put to the test.
Everybody in the group felt the same way – our reservations were apparent from the start, what were the benefits, will we be seen as glorified
child minders, what if the child is upset by the contact – so many questions. Fortunately the social workers had the answers.
This was the most enlightening day of the whole programme. By the end all of us had changed our opinion of contact and could now see the
positive aspects for all concerned, with the safety net that most contact agreements are flexible to enable them to meet the needs of the children.
The Contact module was part of a two-day programme and so the next day we were back in Nottingham for Post Approval and Adoption Support.
This could have been quite a dry subject – legalities, matching process etc. but the social workers made it as interesting as possible and the
punctuation of the day by a pizza delivery gave us the energy to complete the programme.
Our social worker came to see us again the following Monday. He was going on holiday soon and so we had to discuss what needed to be done
before going to Approval Panel including the compilation of the Competency Folder.
We decided as a couple to take a break from the rigours of adoption work for the next week. Our brains were full to capacity and we needed
time to put all of the information into order before starting again. This week also saw the last Cub Scout meeting of the summer term and though
I didn’t think so at the time I am missing this most of all. Creche has also quietened down with many of the children on holidays. Everything
seems to be slowing down and this coupled with the end of the Summer Group Programme has given us some breathing space but has also caused a little
lethargy which we hope a weekend away will help to break.
We spent the last weekend of the month in London – taking in a show, the London Eye and spending a lot of time in the Parks enjoying the sun
and people-watching. I find myself watching the interaction of families more than I have before, perhaps I am trying to learn from their behaviour
or maybe it is the quiet knowledge that one day, in the not too distant future this will be us – our family.
Maria and Joseph
August 2008
August has been a month of rushing about like headless chickens. Trying to find a dry day to mow the lawn and undertake the much needed gardening chores has
been next to impossible – rain, rain and oh yes more rain. Speaking of chickens though, our chicks are progressing well and are now living in our neighbours
outbuilding with about eighty other chicks – 24 hour party place. Seriously though they are the most beautiful chickens I have seen – if a chicken can be
described as beautiful.
Anyway, back to the adoption preparation. We have been reading the books loaned to us by our social worker and writing key learning points and a book
report for each publication for inclusion in our competency file. It sounds like a lot of work but it refreshes the information and shows us just how much
we are learning.
Our social worker has sent our individual reports to us so that we can check the pertinent facts – very strange reading about yourself as viewed by
a third party – we are about halfway through these. I have also started sorting photos for our album – a mammoth task in its own right.
This week (week four of August) has been particularly taxing. Here we were innocently looking forward to a long weekend, I had a bike lesson booked, my
husband a golf game and then finally a chance to hit the garden and hopefully enlist my Mom’s help to establish some order. Unfortunately fate had other ideas.
We had to renew the MOT on one of the cars and on the return journey from the garage we received a call from my husband’s brother informing us that his Dad had
suffered two heart attacks that morning. We rushed home and started looking for flights and ferries so that we could be with him and the family – bank holiday
weekend meant that both availability and prices were ridiculous. Finally we found a ferry leaving the same day from Stranraer only to be told that the garage
had found a fault with the car that needed fixing before it could be driven and would not be ready until the next day. The other car needed new tyres and luckily
we had pre-ordered them several weeks earlier. Once fitted we hit the road only to discover that the wipers needed replacing – two sets later and we were finally
gaining ground and then a low growling noise from under the car grew louder and louder – great the exhaust had a hole in it! All in one day. The only news that
made us feel good was that my husband’s Dad was (fingers-crossed) out of the danger-zone and responding well to medication even asking his youngest daughter to
call round his customers to tell them he wouldn’t be with them until next week.
This experience brought us all closer and helped put things in perspective. Here we are fretting over bedrooms and where to store the cleaning fluids –
yes it all needs to be done but we don’t need to stress about it. We are dedicated to taking one step at a time and making sure we don’t overstretch ourselves
before we even get our children. I’m sure there’ll be plenty of time for stress and tiredness later.
Two of our referees are having their follow up visits this week. I think they are more nervous about it than we are but I have assured them that Ian only
has the one head and does not breathe fire – I’m not sure they believed me. The visits were taking place whilst we were visiting my Husband’s Dad so the phone
was kept very busy with conversations from ‘What does he have to drink?/ Should I get some biscuits in?’ to ‘That wasn’t so bad, in fact it was very useful,
but we’re glad it’s over!’
This month showed us that we are fully supported all of our family and friends – a very comforting feeling as we step further into the unknown.
Oh yeah – my Husband’s Dad had two stents fitted and had no damage to his heart at all – he now thinks he’s invincible.
Maria and Joseph
September 2008
Wow, here I was thinking we had loads of time to get organised and yet October looms and with it the health and safety check and the pre-panel assessment.
I have foolishly been giving myself reasons and excuses for putting off till tomorrow what could have been done today.
My husband has been working away for a couple of days a week which has given me the opportunity to get some of the messier jobs done as I could
just walk away from the mess and leave it to complete the next day. This means that finally the bathroom has been decorated, the laundry room organised
and the study looking more like a place of serious thinking than chaos – well at least until he came home anyway. I must admit that my Mom has played an
integral part in these accomplishments – mainly large boots with which to kick my behind into some sort of motivation, plus she brought cake too (carrot
and stick approach).
The garden posed more of a problem and the weather has been far from cooperative – rain, rain and more rain. For anyone wishing to propagate a healthy
crop of nettles we are the people to talk to! Fortunately our good friends have spent two weekends with us out in the garden cutting, chopping, mowing and
digging to restore some order to an otherwise overgrown patch of land.
The other tasks that have been subject to extensive procrastination have been the final pieces of paperwork for the competency file. But at last they seem
to be coming together and the file now looks like its name suggests – competent.
We met our ‘Link Family’ this month and despite living some distance from us the visit was well worth it. They were great. It was a rewarding
afternoon spent chatting about the reality of adoption, sharing our experiences of the process so far and being enlightened as to what to expect over
the next few months. I must admit that we had our doubts about the benefits of a ‘Link Family’ but having met them and spent several hours in their
company and that of their adopted child – who was wonderful – we have to say that we underestimated their effect on us. We feel privileged to have
been linked with them and that Graham did a great job matching our personalities.
October brings a little more stress but it also brings us closer to our hearts’ desire. (Yes I know that sounds corny but it’s true and so scary and
exciting at the same time.)
Maria and Joseph
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