Why we decided on adoption
We were both very keen to have children but didn’t rush into it early on in our relationship. When we decided that the time was right for us, about 5 years ago, things didn’t work out quite how we had hoped, in fact nothing happened at all! We decided to take more positive action and went through 1½ years of fertility treatment culminating in IVF. Unfortunately this was unsuccessful. It was a very stressful time and I certainly remember a lot of crying particularly over Christmas 2006 whilst spending time with my family.
We knew that the next step for us was adoption and we were eager to embark on the process as soon as possible.
Moving on…….
We had previously contacted our Local Authority whilst undergoing fertility treatment. We had had a really positive telephone conversation and our contact was keen to meet us as soon as possible. When we met, having had an in-depth initial discussion, we happened to mention that we were still undergoing fertility treatment. Our contact advised us straight away that we would not be able to progress until we were 6 months clear of any fertility treatment and we should have resolved any issues we had regarding our inability to conceive. This, of course, was perfectly understandable in hind sight.
So we finally contacted our Local Authority again in September 2007 feeling really optimistic that we would get underway. We have to say that we were shocked and very downhearted to be thanked for the call and informed that we would be placed on the waiting list. When we asked what this meant in terms of time, i.e. would it be weeks or months, we were informed that it would be months or years! I certainly didn’t want to be starting out as a mother at 50 years old, and I was very despondent.
We are extremely fortunate that we have a wonderful next door neighbour, who also happens to be a social worker. One evening when I was pouring my heart out to her she took me under her wing and gave me a load of websites and telephone numbers to call. She also invited me and Shaun to meet with her friend who has recently adopted two little boys. We had a great chat and her friend gave us some things to look out for in the various agencies. One of those things was the amount of support that was provided as a part of the overall programme.
We called the Catholic Children’s Society and spoke to Lynsey; she was extremely helpful and talked me through the whole process on the very first telephone call! It all sounded very organised, with lots of support and they even had time deadlines. We were really excited and wanted to sign up straight away. Lynsey said that she would send some information and should read it to understand the Society’s approach before taking the next step.
December 2007
The next person we spoke to was Andy, who arranged our Initial Interview in Nottingham.
We arrived for our meeting with great anticipation and were surprised to find that we were emerging 4 hours later! We had an in-depth discussion with Andy who covered the whole process in great detail and found out a lot more about us as a couple. This was to be an indication of the future level of thoroughness, thoughtfulness and care that the Society takes about adoption.
We then had to wait to find out if we had been accepted or not. Andy said that it would be over a week before he could let us know as he had to discuss the content of our Initial Interview with his manager Graham, who was on holiday. I was, of course, bursting with anticipation with all sorts of things going through my head. Shaun managed to keep calm, as always and remained confident.
I was absolutely delighted when Andy called, only a couple of days later to say that they had agreed that they would be happy for us to formally apply.
We felt within ourselves that the process was only really going to begin when we started attending the 7 day programme (spread across a number of weeks) and we had been informed that the January programme was full and we had to wait until April. In our minds this was another delay and set back but we were confident that we were now “in the system” and it was going to happen.
So on the day that Graham telephoned to inform me that they had a space on the January programme, you can imagine that we were delighted.
January 2008
Andy arrived for his first home visit just after New Year and just before the start of the 7 day programme.
His first matter was to arrange a number of home visits to compliment the 7 day programme. These were to take place in-between each of the 7 sessions to re-visit and explore each of the topics on a more personal level.
We had another detailed session – Andy likes to get to the bottom of things! He had a look around our house and pointed out some potential safety issues for children and landed us with the “home study workbook” which is a set of reference materials and tasks which help prepare evidence about you as a couple and your ability to adopt for the approval panel which meets to decide on your application some six months in the future.
This was quite daunting as it involved, as it seemed, a huge amount of work.
The topic of our first session was Attachment. As we drove to Nottingham we experienced a mix of excitement and nervous anticipation.
We were to be pleasantly surprised; there were 5 other couples and three social workers, all of whom couldn’t have been more friendly and welcoming.
We started to gel as a group pretty quickly; we appear to have a few comedians who really helped to break the ice. One of whom suggested that it was like attending an AA meeting!
The subject was interesting and the session was highly interactive. The social workers were very knowledgeable whilst recognising that we as a group had a great deal of experience and knowledge to share.
We had a second session in January as a small group of 4 as we had been unable to attend the second session.
February 2008
We thought that we should get going with the home study as we had a lot to do. But once we got started it became quite a therapeutic process. We were covering ground that we had not visited for some time – revisiting our childhood and exploring our relationships with our parents, siblings and relatives.
Having completed both our personal sections it has helped to put some of the theory we have learned into a real context.
We have now completed four of the seven sessions and its fair to say that you go through a whole rollercoaster of emotions. However we have found that reassuringly we are not alone in experiencing a set of highs and lows. The small group format of the sessions allows you to get to know the other couples and share your doubts, fears and excitement. This is as important for us as the actual sessions as we do not have any other friends or relatives who have adopted and can share their experience of the process.
The whole programme to date has been supportive and in depth. It is also challenging, to reflect on your life and see what shaped you into the people you are today. The process is all about being able to understand some of the issues that the children who are being placed for adoption go through and how you as an adoptive parent can help them come to terms with those issues as they grow and develop.
As we head toward the end of February and having just passed the half way mark in the sessions. We are probably feeling more confident than we have to date. More of our friends are aware of what we are going through along with work colleagues and the sessions and home study pack are building our knowledge and confidence about our possible ability to successfully adopt.
As we head in to March we are still riding the emotional rollercoaster and still being “last minute” with our homework but as we build our knowledge of adoptive children through the sessions and share our thoughts and feelings with the other couples, we know that our fears and hopes are normal and that progress is being made. The programmes are still progressing and building logically and we continue to work toward the July Panel with fingers crossed.
Shaun and Laura
March 2008
This month we have mostly been practising!! On the advice of Andy we have been getting some time in looking after children. This has been through both friend’s and Laura’s sister’s children.
This has been good fun along with great days out we have experienced putting them to bed, reading stories and bath time. Along side this we also got to cope with the odd tears and screams! This is probably all second nature to people with children but without our own we have to be able to demonstrate to the Panel that we have the skills to make good parents and there is nothing like first hand experience. Seriously it has been worthwhile and we can recommend it.
As well as these busy weekends we have also had our fifth group session, this time on equality & diversity. This has been about recognising that as adoptive parents we will be in a minority and that we and our children may well experience preconceptions and prejudices from the wider community.
We are still doing our homework for the Society, ensuring that we are reading to broaden our knowledge and fitting in the odd essay to demonstrate our understanding of some of the challenges that we may face from the adopted children or child.
This month has also seen the start of the interviews for our nominated referees, which has been interesting for both them and us as people close to us get more involved.
We have of course also had another home visit from Andy who helps keep us on track between sessions chasing our homework and generally bringing that all important continuity. Andy has also provided us with the details of a link couple who have already been through it all and successfully adopted. They are there for us to meet and talk with prior to Panel to tell us what it’s really like in practice. We haven’t met them yet but we have spoken with them and they sound lovely we shall see them early in April.
At the time of writing it is April and tomorrow we are off to our final two group sessions 6 & 7 the only ones that are on consecutive days. It’s sinking in that time is flying by.
Shaun and Laura
April 2008
We have now had our final two sessions, which we thought were probably two of the most informative and useful.
Session 6 was primarily about contact and its importance to adopted children, their families and you as adoptive parents. We found the case studies on this very helpful and it generated good discussion within the group as we all came with our own preconceptions about what we thought of contact. Views were challenged and initial thoughts and positions moved as we learned about the various types of contact and its potential implications.
It certainly made us re-consider direct contact as a real possibility within our decision making which was quite a shift as we had almost dismissed it entirely. This was of course due to lack of knowledge and not based on anything but our own feelings and pre-conceptions about what we thought would be best.
Not to be outdone session 7 was also pretty good as it dealt with adoption systems and legalities of process. Not that stimulating you might think but we were kept awake even after a last night out with our fellow adopters!
Again case studies were informative and we had to take the roles of panel members considering an application. This helped justify the huge amount of knowledge your social worker requires of you and gives an insight into how difficult it can be for others to be sure they are placing a child in the best possible environment.
We also met our link family in April. This was very useful and informative as we went to their house and met the children and could see how they had moved on.
A very pleasant experience as our link family were entirely honest about their experience from past to present. They could not have been nicer and more helpful and put us entirely at ease throughout our visit. The children were lovely and played in a separate room in order that we could talk freely.
We have of course had support visits from Andy and he even came to observe us in action with some friends’ children. They behaved themselves and Andy missed them asking how was the world formed? Was it the “Big bang” or in the “Garden of Eden”? (We have to thank our friends for that set up).
Onwards into May where we need to finish our competence framework, our last bits of folder work and, of course, create our all important family book.
May 2008
Everyone warned us that the time would whiz by and they were so right! We can’t believe it’s May!
All of our referees have now visited or been visited by Andy and we believe that they have said lots of positive things that support our own portrayal of ourselves. This is ultimately what Andy was seeking.
We divided up the remainder of the written work between us and made comments on each other’s reflections. With the help of all our material and Andy’s own observations he has been able to complete his report (Form F) for us.
Part of the final sessions with Andy has been looking at the preferences we have for our child/children and our parenting capacity. There have been some searching questions around both subjects and each session with Andy has been quite emotionally exhausting. However, we now have a reasonably strong and trusting relationship with Andy and whilst we have to discuss some deep soul searching subjects, the sessions are generally lightened with intermittent humour, coffee and biscuits.
We found it very challenging when we had to go through a list of about 50 criteria commonly linked to “looked after children” to identify what we were able and willing to take on. It takes some real courage to be honest about your abilities and your desires.
Discussing our parenting capacity has been a difficult subject throughout the programme; we spend a great deal of time speaking hypothetically and presenting examples of when we have looked after other people’s children. It is a constant realisation that until we have our own children we will never know for sure, but we do feel that we have had a great deal of support in terms of preparation in Andy and our group training sessions.
We are currently completing our Family Book. This is a really nice task to do and it takes some planning to decide what should go in and what should be left out. We don’t want it to be too cumbersome but we want to ensure that we put all the vital things in. We decided not to include the local school as it looked like a prison, so we included the local play-ground instead!
We have subscribed to Be My Parent; this really made us feel like we were on our way. We had previously been reluctant to subscribe before our panel but I think it’s been a good decision as it helps us to clarify our thoughts on the type of child/children who would fit in with our family.
Andy has promised us one more fleeting visit before we have our final review in June with the Deputy Chief Executive of the Society.
We’re feeling really positive at the moment |
