About us
We have been together since October 2000 and have been married for just over 4 years. I have not got my own children but Matthew does have a daughter from a previous relationship who is now 15 years old. Matthew and Sarah’s mum met when they were very young and Matthew became a dad in his late teens which he tells me was difficult but he loved her.
Why we decided on adoption
We both knew having a family together was what we both wanted. Unfortunately attempts to have children naturally ended sadly. Our first pregnancy was an ectopic and I was very poorly, tests followed and we were advised a natural pregnancy was unlikely and we were advised IVF would be a better option. To cut a long story short, two attempts at IVF failed and the one which was successful again ended in another ectopic. Two years later, a lot more stressed and upset but positive about our decision to adopt leaves us here and now at the beginning of the adoption process able to talk you through, month by month the process, our thoughts and feelings and hopefully give you a greater insight if you are going through the process, thinking about adoption or just curious.
Here goes…
As we have since found out from others our first attempt at adoption, which was very disappointing, was not an isolated case. We contacted our local Social Services Department in January 2006 on recommendation from a work colleague who had successfully adopted a little girl. A telephone conversation was the first step and was a pleasant enough experience followed by a form to complete and information pack being sent to us at home. All the forms were completed by Matthew and I and returned. So as not to bore you too much a meeting at our home happened shortly after with a Social Worker. Looking back this was not as we have experienced with Families are Best. Our chat was not as friendly and our personal information which we shared seemed to be scribbled on a scrap piece of paper but we presumed this was normal and the process was now underway. We were very excited and optimistic. How wrong could we have been ……?
Well we were told that the next stage was preparation groups which we needed to attend followed afterwards by our home visits. This again is a total difference to the process with Families are Best where home visits by the Social Worker are done side by side with the groups. One week a group and the next a visit. This way you are able to discuss the groups whilst still fresh in your mind and gives you a chance to go over any queries or concerns. Anyway we waited to hear of when the groups would start and the results of our CRB checks……. And then we waited, oh and waited some more. I later found out that they had not even been sent off! Anyway I wont bleat on any more because we both truly believe now that all this happened for a reason and I can tell you that our experience with Families are Best has been the exact opposite so far.
Contacting and meeting Families are Best
We were both furious with what had come to light with our application with the Local Authority and I was on the phone (again) to my mum. She was furious as well but reminded me of a conversation we had early on in the year about how a friend of a friend who had adopted successfully used an agency based in Nottingham. I couldn’t wait to get to work the following day to look for their website, obtain details and contact them. We had already decided that if we felt this way already about the Local Authority that this wasn’t right for us and our decision had been made to contact them and cancel any further processes.
Month 1
I telephoned Families are Best that day and my conversation with Chris was very friendly and we were advised a pack would be sent. Again to cut a long story short a meeting was set for us to visit the office in Nottingham in July 2006, where we were made to feel very welcome and had a lovely long chat with Andy (one of the Social Workers). Following that we couldn’t believe how things progressed. A few days later we received a telephone call from Andy to say he was very pleased to advise that they would accept an adoption application from us!!
Month 2
We received our letter listing dates for our preparation groups. We just couldn’t believe that the Local Authority took 7 months to reach the stage that we are at now and we would actually be starting our preparation groups before the Local Authority groups would have started for us. What I did forget to mention last month was that Andy made us feel so at ease and we just knew this was RIGHT!
Later in August we received a call from our allocated Social Worker Lynsey who introduced herself and made an appointment to visit us at home prior to our first preparation group on 8th September. On the first visit I don’t think she knew what to think … I can talk for England! Anyway she was very nice and we hoped she liked us. We tidied our house top to bottom in case she ran her fingers across the mantelpiece for dust and checked the toilet seat etc. How wrong could we have been she was just interested in us and although we were very very nervous it went really well and we were just soooooo excited about our first group session on Friday 8th September 2006. Oh and I forgot to mention Matthew even asked what he should wear. Later when I asked him why he asked that, he said in case we had to do some activities and role play. I had to laugh but ‘bless’ we didn’t know what to expect.
Month 3
We have just had our first group session and if you have read month 2 I can tell you that we didn’t need our gym gear as Matthew had expected just comfy clothes as we were sitting all day. We were up really early on the day, showered, best perfume and chatted all the way to the office saying wonder what it will be like, who will be there, what will the others be like etc etc. We didn’t really know what to expect but we had speculated so much.
We were the first couple to arrive and were met by Lynda who was running the session and Jan who is a Social Worker and was assisting on the first day. There was tea, coffee and biscuits provided so Matthew was pleased straight away. We sat in a semi circle of empty chairs and waited for the others to arrive. Come on we want to see what you are like (our thoughts)
All had arrived and we did our introductions and this made us feel a little easier. At the end of the day we were all there for the same end result (hopefully) although we had all got there at different stages in our lives and for different reasons. It was reassuring that we weren’t alone. In fact Lynda (the group leader) had had a very similar experience to me and has successfully adopted three children. We felt so at ease to hear this as when she is speaking she is speaking from her own experiences and from the heart.
It was a long day – 10.30 till approximately 4.30pm and we were given a great deal of excellent information to take home and to reflect on. We both know this will be difficult and we will meet some challenging aspects. However, we so want this that we are prepared to give it 100%.
The group was very enjoyable and it was nice that a woman who had successfully adopted came to the group to share her experiences with us just as I am doing now. It was great to hear her journey and then to see the pictures of her children. It was racing through my head “this could be us is a year or even less”. Mind you I bet that the woman had a headache that evening. I must have asked her every question you can imagine. I am so enthusiastic about this and I took this opportunity to ask the questions that I think I may need to know. For the first time in a long time it now feels that we could actually become a family and give someone the love and happiness they deserve. Whatever your circumstances there is light at the end of the tunnel and the idea of being a family is getting closer.
We were given a form to fill in to feedback what we felt the group was like and we went away totally shattered but looking forward to our next meeting.
We got home and chatted, chatted and chatted some more with our good friends about the day in general. We were disappointed as we were missing the next session in two weeks as we were on holiday. Families are Best were aware of this and although not ideal we will be attending this module in the next lot of groups so we could catch up. Ideally you need to attend all the groups but we were excited as our next home visit was scheduled for the day after we returned from holiday,
Lynsey came at 9.30am on 28th September and luckily my mum who had been dog sitting had tidied from top to bottom (why is it mums can always do everything so much better) can’t wait till our child/children can say that about us. Lynsey covered quite a lot of information but we enjoy telling her about our past and our life together. We have nothing to hide and we know she is there to help us achieve our wish.
Our next session is the beginning of October. We have been given lots of homework to complete for Lynsey for her next visit so we are busy doing so but also writing this diary. Lynsey asked us if we would be prepared to write a diary and we agreed. Well I did!. Matthew is not always the best at writing what he wants to say, but me I can go on and on and on so hope you are settled in your chair with hours to spare …..
I do hope you enjoyed reading this and will join us again in month 4 as I am sure we will have some interesting information for you…
Month 4
Firstly I must apologise for the delay in this month's diary. It has been a very busy month on both the adoption process and work issues.
We have attended three preparation groups since I last updated this diary, two in October and another at the beginning of November. A couple of the sessions were very challenging and tiring but amongst the emotions we felt we were given so much information. The information hasn't all been very practical at this stage but we have no doubt that it will be in the future. We are probably going to face some challenging behaviour from our child/children which are placed with us at some point and hopefully we will be able to use some of this not only to identify problems but to help us work through them. We have, incidentally been given all of the information from the sessions in written form so we always have this to hand to look at when needed. I am sure this will be our Bible!
We are really enjoying the preparation groups. We have met most of the social workers who work for CCS as they attend a session each. This is so nice as if we ever need to contact CCS for whatever reason we know who we are speaking to.
Mathew and I both feel we have met some lovely people through the groups including the other prospective adopters and the visiting adoptive families. Our group is a very diverse one; people from all different cultures, backgrounds, ages etc and we really work well together. To be honest as the group is so diverse we have been able to learn an awful lot. We have been, on occasions, split into smaller groups to discuss case studies of children who need to be adopted and hearing everyone's personal views and how their beliefs and cultures etc affects that has been very interesting and informative. What I must stress at this stage is that even if you are not a fan of group work or speaking to a group it is not an issue. CCS gives everyone a chance to join in and participate but if you do not like talking in front of a group etc there is no pressure. So don't worry if you are a little shy or that it makes you uneasy you will still learn as much by being part of the group. Please don't be put off from applying.
My favourite part of the groups is the weekly attendance of experienced adoptive parent/parents. Everyone takes away with them their own part of the groups and really enjoys it but for me to hear from someone who has been where we are now, understands what we are going through emotionally and is able to give answers to all of our questions based on their own experiences is priceless.
As I have said we have made friends throughout the groups and to be able to share our journey is so important. Some sessions we have really had fun and to have fun whilst learning etc I think is a tool which helps you retain some of the information which can be hard going easier to listen to.
Lynsey, our Social Worker has also made three visits to us at home. One session for the both of us and one individually. Some sessions have been very long - I am not sure if that was normal or just that we talk an awful lot?
We both feel we have got to know Lynsey better. She knows more about us than we do. We have very productive meetings and they are very friendly. We want Lynsey to see how we live etc so we have the right children placed with us and the child/ children get everything they need from us.
Practice - Last Sunday we looked after my best friend Natasha's little girl who is 15 months old and just walking. We enjoyed our day thoroughly but it's amazing how much you take for granted, such as not being able to get around as easily. I was asking Mathew to look at something with me and he was unable to get around with the pushchair. Then you need to consider nappies, and feeding etc but we got by. She was a dream to have and I am sure Natasha won't mind us practising a little more! Our realisation from this day is that our lifestyle will need to adjust and today it proved that the time is right for us to do this.
We are coming to the end of the sessions now; in fact the last two sessions are this coming weekend so I'll go now.. We need an early night for two very busy days. The sessions are on Friday and Saturday and I am sure will be very tiring.
One thing I forgot to mention is that we have been given our provisional Adoption Panel date. This date (28th March 2007) is the date in which you go in front of a panel with all of your details and work etc which has been completed over the past months and they decide if you are ready to go ahead an adopt and how may children etc. So keep your fingers crossed from now until then! - It can't come quick enough.
Talk to you all soon with the next chapter of our adoption story………
Months 5, 6 + 7
Since I last wrote this diary we have attended our last two preparation groups. Again the sessions were very informative. We covered contact, which was really important. For Mathew and I this particular subject was one of our fears. We discussed possible contact our child/children may or may not have with their birth family. As I say it was a fear of ours, note I said was. We were quite surprised to listen and learn about the positive factors of contact. I won’t discuss the whole group but you do need to be quite open and to be able to listen to the pros and con’s of contact. At the end of the day it’s the welfare of the child that is most important.
Our very last group session which again was very informative was about adoption and beyond, Blimey!!! We feel we are so close now we just want it to happen and can’t wait.
As I have said we have our panel date at the end of March and so our social worker Lynsey has visited a few more times so she can have all the information she needs to complete our Form F. This report contains all of our personal information which goes with us to the Adoption Panel helping the panel members to make a recommendation for approval, if appropriate, and helping to match us with the right child/children.
I have also been busy doing our book which will go to the child when we have been matched. This has been so much fun, infact like going back to school. I bought a lovely photograph album and in it have put our family photographs and information about our friends, family and pets. Nights have been spent at the table with photographs, glue, coloured card and scissors and dogs jumping up to see what we are doing. Is this what we’ve got to come when making pictures with our children? We can’t wait!
We can almost touch adoption now but we do realise that once approved the time from then to be matched with a child may take some time.
Of course there are a few more bits that we need to do in between now and then; Lynsey has always got something for us to complete. We have to arrange to meet our link family (a family who have adopted) who we can chat to and discuss any issues or concerns with. Lynsey will keep in touch with us and also we have a meeting arranged with Graham – Deputy Director of CCS to discuss our journey so far.
We’ll update you over the next month or so as we get nearer to panel. KEEP YOUR FINGERS CROSSED FOR US!!!
Tina and Matthew
Months 8 & 9
Well for those of you have been reading ….. Mathew and I are very pleased to be able to say “WE WERE APPROVED!!!!!!!”
Panel was nerve racking with a little chat before and after. I was surprised as I was far more nervous than Mathew when usually I would feel fine. The little chat with Graham before however, did make us feel a little more settled as he explained what some of the questions might be.
We were asked to take along to Panel our family book which included family photographs and pictures of a cuddly dog. The dog was photographed in our home as we thought it would be nice to give our prospective child the dog before we meet so they can associate this with Mathew and I and our home. We also left a space for our son/daughter (wow that sounds strange) to name the cuddly toy. We have two dogs of our own so thought that having a cuddly dog for them to keep would be lovely.
Back to Panel .... We were asked numerous questions all of which we believed we answered to the best of our ability and we were then asked to leave the room. Five minutes or so passed which seemed like five hours when the door opened and we were told the good news.
We are so pleased; we have been approved to adopt one child between the ages of 4 & 7. We were also told that we would receive written confirmation of this agreement in the next few days, which we did.
We left the offices and rang everyone we know to let them know our fantastic news.
We have frantically been searching for our child since. We have been interested in a few children since our approval, some of which unfortunately were not right for us for some reason or another. It is a little upsetting when you have an interest in a child to find out they wouldn't be a match but we understand that this process is crucial. This is a lifetime commitment and it needs to be right! We want a "Forever Family" and if it takes a while to get that then so be it ..
Read next month to find out more about our search
Tina and Matthew
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